Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
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me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Who knew!
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I feel attacked.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.