Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
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My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right