Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

husband: *worrying*

me: I don’t think you should worry about that

husband: well what should I worry about instead then

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

Me: time to be better with my finances

Them: you could stop buying things

Me: not like that

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times