Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket