Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

Banderslack Clamberdorch

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

Self-cleaning conscience

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.