Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
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colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
this is literally a CIA plant
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour