Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

My favorite farside!!

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

Intelligence is the new cleavage

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.