Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
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My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Pikachu found the lost joint
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Rare photo of two submarines racing
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.