Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
You Might Also Like
*checks Timeline*…
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
me in a relationship:
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey