Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
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[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one