Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

Weirdos gonna weird.

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

same but as an audience member

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?