FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
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[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”