Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
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sleeping beauty
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
“you changed” bro i was 15
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Doctors texting each other.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.