Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
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gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit