Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

Inside you there are two wolves

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.