Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
You Might Also Like
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
cat faces on other animals, a thread
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Nice try, NASA
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker