Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
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[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Personal question. #JustSaying
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Saw your ex at the shops
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.