Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
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Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I think they could have phrased this better
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I stand by it
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.