Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
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ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.