Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.