Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

gasoline
noun

: mouthwash for dragons

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

Seek kebab; not attention

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down