Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
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Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
The prophecy is fulfilled
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
realest tweet ever.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.