Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

She: I like Cats
He:

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

i’m laughing very hard in real life

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*