*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.