*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.