*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic