Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

i smell a pulitzer

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir

Breaking news:

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification