Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required