Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!