Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
You Might Also Like
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Feels
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza