Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

out-housing market appears to be strong

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.