@MindyFurano: Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with "shut up" written in every blank.
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@CindyBegel: Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, "EARTHQUAKE!" Sadly, like many, she's not prepared
@JohnLyonTweets: [dog trial] D.A.: Who's a good boy? Dog: *wags tail* D.A.: Then how do you explain the scattered trash? Dog: *ears droop* *jury gasps*
@GregDorris: I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend's dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.