Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
You Might Also Like
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.