Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
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me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Kermit goes Blue.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Lmfaoooooo
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]