If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
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*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER