Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

Ooops wrong house😂😜

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?