Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.

WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

wtf