Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

#parenting