Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
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I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist