Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?