@DurtMcHurtt

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

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@difficultpatty

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of my excellent turn signal skills?

Cop: OMG YES THEY ARE SO GOOD.

@itcorru

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

@Jerrypleasure

[at restaurant]

date: i am an old-fashioned lady

[to impress her]

me: *striking stones furiously to light a cigarette*

@ohthatbadger

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

@TarzanFeathers

Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.

@Douchekevin

I’m the perfect man if you don’t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.

@TheAlexNevil

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

@doooiiiit

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?