*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of my excellent turn signal skills?



him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that


[at restaurant]

date: i am an old-fashioned lady

[to impress her]

me: *striking stones furiously to light a cigarette*


Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.


Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.


I’m the perfect man if you don’t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.


Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!


When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.


How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?