@DumbConfessions

*flips coin*

“Head or tail?”

Her: That’s not how this works!

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@BlueOnBlack72

20 comes over, obviously she’s been crying.
M: *hugs her tight* Oh baby, have you and Jon been fighting?
20: *sniffles* No.
M: Then what’s wrong?
20: They’re taking “Friends” off Netflix and I’m sad.
M: So no one told you life was gonna be this way?
20: I’m going to Mom’s.

@QwertyJones3

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

@Bob_Janke

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

@hashtag_stacks

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

@sliver_of

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

@BlindChow

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

@Bagyants

I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like “Let’s name it Rad!” and one guy was all “Let’s dial that back a bit.”