“Head or tail?”
Her: That’s not how this works!
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20 comes over, obviously she’s been crying.
M: *hugs her tight* Oh baby, have you and Jon been fighting?
20: *sniffles* No.
M: Then what’s wrong?
20: They’re taking “Friends” off Netflix and I’m sad.
M: So no one told you life was gonna be this way?
20: I’m going to Mom’s.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like “Let’s name it Rad!” and one guy was all “Let’s dial that back a bit.”