* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
No, YOUR illiterate.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
🙀🙀🙀😹
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”