* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
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Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Usage Guidelines
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.