* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
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What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Spider-cat: No One Home
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.