* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
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Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“