“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
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Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
When the stylist spins you back around
This made me chuckle cuz mood
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it