@AGreaterMonster

*Flips over cards*

It was your TC in the KIK room with the retweeter.

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@MomOfTeen

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

@jctwritesstuff

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

@Poutymcgee

*brings all the jars I can’t open along with me on our first date

@UnFitz

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

@AlisonChrista

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

@heroinsdemise

“Removing my make up”

Or how I like to call it:

“Reset face to factory settings”

@De_ja_vu_who

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

@Illiter8

The tattoos in your shirtless avi say ‘bad boy’; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream ‘living in mom’s sewing room’.

@DurtMcHurtt

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*