*Flips over cards*

It was your TC in the KIK room with the retweeter.

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Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.


Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.


*brings all the jars I can’t open along with me on our first date


“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.


Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*


“Removing my make up”

Or how I like to call it:

“Reset face to factory settings”


I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,


You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry


The tattoos in your shirtless avi say ‘bad boy’; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream ‘living in mom’s sewing room’.


*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*