*Flips over cards*

It was your TC in the KIK room with the retweeter.

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How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”


My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.


[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}


reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”


If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.


Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.


Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.


I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.


[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.