@AGreaterMonster

*Flips over cards*

It was your TC in the KIK room with the retweeter.

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@LeonHWolf

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

@Parkerlawyer

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

@Skoogeth

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

@KeetPotato

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

@KayRants

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

@GoldenSpirals

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

@GreenishDuck

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

@wickedblondeone

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

@NoTheOtherJohn

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.