Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
*Flips over cards*
It was your TC in the KIK room with the retweeter.
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Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
*brings all the jars I can’t open along with me on our first date
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
“Removing my make up”
Or how I like to call it:
“Reset face to factory settings”
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
The tattoos in your shirtless avi say ‘bad boy’; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream ‘living in mom’s sewing room’.
At the end of the day it’s 23:59:59
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*