Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

Me when I try to be useful

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”