Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

Self-cleaning conscience

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it