*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
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As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
i guess his teacher was really pissed
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
this is 10/10 content no notes
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
stop
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.