Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

Harsh but fair

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.