*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
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Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
sry
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I’d love this…lol
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much