Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
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I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
#oldknees
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*