Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
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Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Seek kebab; not attention
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
they really do be looking like this
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.