@Ivsy01

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

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@KeetPotato

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

@mollzbenn

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a really nice house to be miserable in.

@GrantTanaka

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

@rickolantern

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

@RxitWounds

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

@robfromonline

before you criticize someone remember they’re a human being just like you with flaws and insecurities and if you focus on those it’s easier to make them cry

@sucittaM

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

@JohnnyNami

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

@ron_humphrey

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.