Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
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I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Breaking news:
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I can’t stop watching this.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7