Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

Personal question. #JustSaying

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.