[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
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Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I have obtained a hat
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!