Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

Joseph Smith, 1833

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”