Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

was Jim off killing horses or…

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.