[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
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In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.