[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
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I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
The struggle is real
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.