Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

Said the murderer.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.