Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
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Mine in this week’s New Yorker
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
As the Lord intended
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything