Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.