*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
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Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn