*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
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GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
pizza
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?