(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
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Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Extremely relatable.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
#dnd #ttrpg
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Oh hi lol
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.