(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
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The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️